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Archive for July, 2010

Hold onto your seats!

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands .

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, ‘Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.’

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So how was your game??

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: “How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round…making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.

The Pro was a bit perplexed, not knowing what a “rider” was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term “rider” meant. But, because he didn’t want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked “Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to “Riders”?”

The bartender simply smiled and said…”A ‘Rider” is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

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Bird Brains…

One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot so he thought he’d give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversations.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.

“My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” the wife commented.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

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We’ve all been interviewed for jobs…

And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

  • “…stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
  • “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
  • “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
  • “…asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
  • “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
  • “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
  • “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
  • “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
  • “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
  • “…pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
  • “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
  • “While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
  • “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
  • “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
  • “His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

“Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

“…asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

“Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

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Master List of Mom Wisdom/Sayings

Sound familiar??
Predictable Mom

  • Eat your vegetables, they’re good for you.
  • I can always tell when you’re lying.
  • If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (… tongue, eyebrows…) He would have put them there!
  • If you could stay out last night, you can get up this morning.
  • If you’re too full to finish your dinner, you’re too full for dessert.
  • If you’re too sick to go to school, you’re too sick to play outside.
  • When you have kids of your own you’ll understand.
  • When you have your own house then you can make the rules!
  • It’s no use crying over spilt milk.
  • You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?
  • Beds are NOT made for jumping on.
  • Cupcakes are NOT a breakfast food!
  • Go play outside! It’s a beautiful day!
  • Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.
  • If you don’t learn how to cook, no one is going to want to marry you.
  • You’re the oldest. You should know better.
  • You can’t find it? Well, where did you leave it last?
  • Someone is going to end up crying.
  • Go to your room and think about what you did!
  • The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
  • When I was a little girl…

Nagging Mom

  • Clean up after yourself!
  • Did you brush your teeth?
  • Did you clean your room?
  • Did you comb your hair?
  • Did you flush?
  • Do your homework!
  • Is your homework finished?
  • Isn’t it past your bedtime?
  • Ok, but first take out the garbage.
  • Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
  • Wipe your feet!
  • You made your bed, now lie in it.
  • Don’t talk with your mouth full!
  • Be good.
  • You could have called.

Lazy Mom

  • Ask your Father.
  • Don’t ask me WHY. The answer is NO.
  • Don’t make me come in there!
  • Don’t make me get up!
  • Don’t run in the house.
  • Enough is enough!
  • How many times do I have to tell you?
  • I don’t care what all the other kids get to do.
  • I don’t have to explain myself. I said no.
  • I’m going to give you until the count of three…
  • I’m not going to ask you again.
  • No.
  • I didn’t ask who put it there, I said “Pick it up!”
  • You can’t find it? Well, I can’t find it for you I’m not the maid!
  • Who died and left you boss?
  • When did your last slave die?
  • Pick that up before somebody trips on it and breaks their neck!
  • Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I’m not your maid!
  • Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
  • No, I don’t know where your socks are, its not my day to watch them!
  • You can’t find it? Well, if you’d put things where they belonged, you wouldn’t have this problem.
  • Nobody asked you.

Confused Mom

  • Who do you think you are?
  • Who do you think you’re talking to?
  • Do you think I’m made of money?
  • Who said life was going to be easy?
  • Am I talking to a brick wall?
  • All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid.
  • A little “birdy” told me!
  • I’m not your cleaning lady!
  • I’m not your maid!
  • I’m not your waitress!
  • No child of MINE would do something like that.
  • Stop acting like your father!
  • What did I say the FIRST time?
  • At work my mind’s on the children, at home I think of the office.
  • You’re just like your father.
  • Are you deaf or something?
  • What part of NO don’t you understand?

Chicken Mom

  • Be careful!
  • Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.
  • Going to a party? Leave a phone number in case I need to call.
  • Going to a party? Who’s going to be there?
  • Going to a party? Will the parents be home?
  • I would have never talked to MY mother like that!
  • Do not put that in your mouth; you do not know where it has been!
  • Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!
  • You can’t start the day on an empty stomach.

Selfish Mom

  • I don’t buy snacks to feed the neighbourhood!
  • I hope you don’t kiss me with that mouth!
  • I just want what’s best for you.
  • If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it!
  • If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
  • I’m not always going to be around to do these things for you.
  • Don’t stay up too late!
  • Do what I say, not what I do.
  • I’m not running a taxi service.
  • You don’t always get what you want. It’s a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.
  • Just wait until we get home.
  • Shut the door! I’m not heating the entire neighbourhood!
  • So it’s raining? You’re not sugar -you won’t melt.
  • So what if Sally’s mom let her do it? If Sally’s mom let her jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?
  • Why? Because I SAID so, that’s why!
  • You must think rules are made to be broken.
  • I don’t care who started it, I said stop!
  • Money does NOT grow on trees.
  • This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Exaggerator Mom

  • Eat everything on your plate. There are starving children all over the world who would be glad to trade places with you.
  • How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!
  • Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.
  • If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times.
  • Life isn’t fair.
  • Look at this room! It looks like a pigsty!
  • There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
  • There’s enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
  • This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
  • Turn off that light. Do you think we own the electric company?
  • Well, people in Hell want ice water too!
  • When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!
  • When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.
  • You kids are trying to drive me crazy!
  • You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders!
  • A little soap and water never killed anybody.
  • Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
  • Close the door! You don’t live in a barn.
  • You should have that phone surgically implanted in your ear.
  • Do you live to annoy me?
  • If wishes were horses…
  • Well, I haven’t figured out how to cook “cold” yet.

Picky Mom

  • I said CLOSE the door, I did not say SLAM it.
  • I’ll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.
  • Don’t pick your nose in public.
  • Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.
  • Don’t use that tone with me!
  • Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!
  • Don’t you have anything better to do?
  • Are you going out dressed like that?
  • Don’t run with a lollipop in your mouth.
  • I don’t know is NOT an answer.
  • If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
  • Look at me when I’m talking to you.
  • Now, come back downstairs and go back up WITHOUT stomping your feet!
  • Now, say you’re sorry…and MEAN it!
  • Say please.
  • Turn that racket down!
  • Watch your mouth!
  • What kind of a grade is that? You could do much better!
  • You can go out to play…after you brush your teeth and comb your hair.
  • You can go out to play…after you pick up your room.
  • You can go out to play…after you’ve done your homework.
  • You just ate an hour ago!
  • I don’t care what “everyone” is doing. I care what YOU are doing!
  • Pick up your feet.

Suspicious Mom

  • How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tasted it?
  • Do you think this is a hotel? You can’t just come here only to sleep.
  • I can’t believe you can sleep in this filth!
  • I can’t believe you did that!
  • If you don’t do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
  • It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust everyone else.
  • Little pitchers have big ears.
  • What, are you kidding?
  • When will you be back?
  • Where do YOU think you’re going?
  • Who are you going with? Do I know them?
  • Who taught you THAT? You didn’t learn that in this house!
  • You can’t judge a book by its cover.
  • You have an answer for everything, don’t you?
  • Are you lying to me?

Threatening Mom

  • Do not make that face or it will freeze in that position.
  • Don’t eat that, you’ll get worms!
  • Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold.
  • Don’t EVER let me catch you doing that again!
  • Don’t pick that scab, it’ll get infected.
  • Be careful or you will put your eye out.
  • I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
  • If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll…
  • If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.
  • If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
  • Don’t sit too close to the television, it’ll ruin your eyes.
  • If you don’t clean your plate, you won’t get any dessert.
  • If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.
  • If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to give you something to cry about!
  • If you’re bored, I can always find something for you to do.
  • Never try on anyone else’s glasses or you’ll go blind.
  • One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
  • Only if you eat all your vegetables
  • Over my dead body!
  • Running away? Don’t let the door hit you in the rear.
  • Running away? I’ll help you pack.
  • Running away? Is that a threat or a promise?
  • Say that again and I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.
  • Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
  • You are going to get it when you get home!
  • You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.
  • Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
  • As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
  • I’m doing this for your own good.
  • Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!
  • You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!
  • You are getting on my last nerve.
  • I’m going to skin you alive!
  • I’ve had it up to here with you.
  • Answer me when I ask you a question!
  • Leave your sister (brother) alone!

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